Rick and Morty - In a Sentimental Mood
by ThatRegularBro
Summary: Rick isn't impressed with Beth and Jerry's new kid.
1. Baby, I Know How You Feel

"Yeugh I don't know, he looks a little stupid to me," Rick said, belching and taking a swig of his flask.

"Dad!" Beth said.

"Oh, oh so you want me to lie Beth? Yeugh is that what you want me to do? I mean look at him," Rick barked, pointing at a smiling face wrapped in a blanket. The baby reached out towards Rick's finger uselessly. "He's got those weird, bulbous eyes."

"Remind me why we invited him again?" Jerry asked out of the corner of his mouth.

"Because he's my father," Beth said in rebuttal, glaring at her husband. "And he's as big a part of this family as you are."

Rick took another swig of whiskey.

"Quit drinking in front of him!" Jerry said, reaching for Rick's flask.

Rick pulled the flask out of reach without breaking his gaze with the baby.

"I mean... maybe he could be a-yuuuhh astronomer," Rick continued, "or like a lawyer or something, but I mean anything that involves, you know, a brain, will probably be impossible for him. I mean, you already brought Summer into this world and god knows she's not the sharpest knife in the drawer either, you know?" He paused for a second as his daughter gritted her teeth at his words. "...and I mean she's a girl so you can pawn her off to some rich Pakistani if she can keep her v-uhhhhhh-irginity that long. At least she has that, you know? At lead she has that. But raising a little boy? Seems a little much. Uh, uhhh, uh I say we just put him out of his misery right now."

"That's it, Rick, if you don't want to be supportive of this," Jerry said, rolling up his sleeve.

"Jerry, calm down," Beth said, putting her hand on his chest.

"Yeah, Jerry," Rick said, emphasizing the "E" sound.

"You might pull something."

"Shut up, dad, he's got a point," she added. "You're being a real prick, you know that? More than usual even."

Rick ignored her and continued staring at the infant with sick, judgmental eyes. It stared backed at him with a relentless happiness.

"Oh, darn it, speaking of Summer, it's 3 o'clock, I gotta go pick her up at school," Jerry said, whipping around and heading for the door. "I told her I wouldn't be late again."

"See? Y-you guys can't even handle, one kid," Rick said.

Jerry flipped him off and slammed the door.

The baby belched and some drool hung down on its face.

Beth immediately started wiping it up with a tissue.

"Remind me again how he got you pregnant?" Rick said to his daughter, watching her take care of her baby. "I'm surprised his sperms even know how to swim."

"Dad for god's sake," she said, revving up for an argument.

Just then her phone rang. She lifted it to her ear and her eyes widened.

"There's no one else who can help?" she asked in a panicked voice.

"Wha-What's goin on?" Rick said.

"Okay I'll be right there," she said, hanging up her phone. She desperately clambered for her jacket and reached into her dad's lab-coat. "I need to borrow your car, work emergency."

"It's not a car, Beth," he said.

Beth pulled a keyring from his coat.

Rick snatched it back.

"It's not a car, Beth," he said again, this time narrowing his gaze. "You have to be careful with it."

"I'll be careful with it," she said, desperately.

"Alright," he said, throwing her the keys.

"Thank you so much. Sorry to leave you alone with Morty," she said running out the door. "Jerry should be home in about twenty minutes or else I'd tell you everything you need to know."

"I know how to take care of b-eugh-abies," he snarled as the door shut.

He ran for the door and opened it.

"Make sure not to press the green button in the center console!" he yelled.

"Got it," she said with a wave, driving off.

He closed the door and heaved a sigh of relief. He turned his attention to the baby wrapped in the blanket and took a quick sip of his flask.

"So," he said with a belch. "You're my grandson."

Morty's cheeks wrinkled as he smiled and laughed, reaching for Rick.

"No, no, no. I'm not gonna pick you up," Rick said. "You, you you, you'll end up getting dropped or something."

Morty's lip twisted into a frown and began to quiver.

Rick crossed his arms and waited for the inevitable crying fit.

Morty opened his mouth and began wailing.

Rick immediately uncrossed his arms and said "alright, fine," grabbing the infant and rocking him begrudgingly.

Morty started cooing and trying to grab Rick's hair.

"Watch it," Rick said.

Morty giggled, and a terrible odor hit his the back of Rick's nostrils.

He squinted his eyes and brought his face real close to Morty's. "So that's how it's gonna b-BEUGH-be, huh?"

* * *

Jerry gritted his teeth and slammed on the brakes as he hit his first of many red lights.

The words Rick had said mulled over in his head.

"Lousy prick…" he grimaced as the light switched to green. "If he wasn't my father-in-law…"

The driver behind him honked his horn. Jerry submissively sped up and lowered his head, grumbling.

His phone rang. He picked it up. "Hello? Oh, hi Beth. No, I haven't picked up Summer yet. Traffic, yeah. Wait, work emergency? …I didn't know the governor had a horse…well why couldn't you get someone else to do it? Wait... who's with Morty? ... You left our son with your sociopathic father?!"

Jerry screeched to halt at another red light.

"What do you mean 'don't call him names like that'? That's not name calling... it's an educated guess if anything! ... Well no, I don't trust him, not after those awful things he said about our daughter... I know I'd still be home if I just let Summer take the bus! You know how I feel about those bus drivers… Well just because he's 'smart' doesn't mean I want him around our son. I mean Freud was 'smart', but ew, coke head much? Hello? Beth?"

He heard a dial tone. Jerry slowly put his phone away, and then the car behind him honked its horn.

* * *

"So I'm gonna level with you, Morty," Rick said, putting Morty on the kitchen table. "Your grampa… has shit himself a few times. Hell, more than a few times." He unwrapped Morty's diaper. "But I'm gonna have to lay down a few, some ground rules." He pulled the diaper out from under Morty's bottom by its corner and folded the entire thing into a bag, clipped between his two fingers tightly.

Morty smiled stupidly at his grandfather.

Rick held the bag high in the air with a look of disinterest on his face. "We don't poop on grampy. We just don't do it… it's, it's rude. It's a regular grehhh violation." He slid his free hand into his coat and pulled out a smooth and round silver gun. "You see this, Morty? I nyeeehinvented this, Morty. It's it's it's a ray GUH gun."

He flicked a switch on the side of it and it started to make a loud whirring sound.

"It's very dangerous, M-ORR-orty," he said, eyes narrowing.

He put his finger on the trigger and gently squeezed.

* * *

"I wish you'd just let me take the bus, dad," Summer said, arms crossed in the back seat.

"You know how I feel about those bus drivers," Jerry said.

"No, I don't, because you've never actually explained it," she said in a huff. "And quit driving like a maniac."

"I don't like talking about it. Also, I'm driving like a maniac because your mom left your baby brother with your insane grandfather," Jerry said.

Summer perked up. "Grampa Rick's at our house?" she asked.

"Not for long, he's not," Jerry said.

"Aw come on, let grampa stay," Summer complained.

"He's a bad influence, Summer," Jerry said.

"You're a bad influence," Summer rebutted.

* * *

Rick coughed and cleared the air with his hand.

"And also very useful for getting rid of ehhhhh human filth," he said, wiping the dust off of his face.

Morty laughed and reached toward the gun.

"Oh, heh, you liked that, huh?" Rick said with a smirk.

Morty looked delighted.

"Well uh BLEUGH here," Rick said, handing the ray gun to Morty. "I gotta figure out where your mom keeps the diapers."

Rick stumbled out of the kitchen and into the bathroom. "Oh and those baby wipe things, for the uhhh feces," he said. He trundled over to the table and made quick work of the mess, and then wrapped Morty's bottom in a clean diaper. He slapped his hands off of each other, put his hands on his hips and grinned.

Morty pointed the ray gun at Rick, and Rick lazily snatched it away.

"Watch it," Rick said, slamming the ray gun on the table.

Morty continued smiling stupidly.

Rick sat at the table with Morty for a while, resting his chin on his hand and keeping one eye open.

After many moments of silence, Rick opened his mouth. "Y'know, I was a baby once," he said.

* * *

"Alright Rick, I think it's time you go back to…" Jerry said, unlocking the front door.

"You ain't gotta tell me twice," Rick said, stepping out of the kitchen and handing the baby to Jerry.

"Grampa!" Summer said, tossing her book bag on the ground and hugging Rick around the knees.

"Oh, hey Su-UH-mmer," Rick belched, rustling her hair. "How was dumb old school?"

"Dumb," she replied, squeezing a little bit harder.

"Well," Jerry said, "I mean you don't have to leave this second."

"You really need to get better at making up your mind, Jerry," Rick said. "You're making yourself look like a real p-UHH-pushover."

Jerry's eyes dashed around the room, meeting those of his snickering daughter. He bounced his son up and down a bit to assure himself.

"Anyways," Rick continued, "I was planning on getting out of here anyways."

"Doesn't Beth have your car?" Jerry asked, trying to keep his son from squirming out of his arms.

"It's not just a car," Rick replied, taking one last triumphant sip of his flask and stepping past Jerry. "And you guys can have it." He wiped his mouth, opened the front door and stepped out. "Just, for the love god, don't press the green button on the ce-eugh-center console." He shut the door as he reached into his coat.

Jerry heard a familiar wet zapping sound and saw some green light dance across their front door's window. At that point he knew that Rick was gone.

"Grampa," Morty chuckled, reaching after the front door.

Jerry gritted his teeth, knowing he'd never forget his son's first word.


	2. Let It All Work Out

"He left?" Beth yelled angrily into her phone, her other wrist deep in horse innards. "My dad running away doesn't exactly count as an emergency, Jerry," She squeezed down on the pulmonary artery of her patient, whose tail twitched unconsciously. "But for the record it's probably your fault!"

A machine went off, beeping loudly.

"It'd be nice to see him for more than ten goddamn minutes every once in a while... I know what the beep means!" she said into the phone before slamming the end call button and putting it down on the bloody table.

* * *

Jerry winced at the loudness in his wife's voice. He slipped his phone into his pocket and bounced Morty up and down again to avoid a potential crying fit.

"Maybe if you were nicer to grampa Rick he'd stick around every once in a while," Summer said with a grimace, stamping off to her room.

Jerry sighed. "Why do I get punished for this?" he says, looking to his son.

Morty responded with a quick "Grampa!"

"Yeah I know, you like him," Jerry grumbled. "Everyone likes him..." He carried Morty into the kitchen, placed him in his high chair and peeked into the freezer for something he could heat up. It was barren.

Jerry let out another sigh.

There was aloud whooshing and zapping noise and a blue light flooded the kitchen for a split second.

"Oh what now," Jerry complained.

The back door opened and Rick reappeared.

"Oh thank god," Jerry breathed. "Beth is really pissed, so if you could just wait til' she gets home before you disappear for another ten years..."

"Save it for the inevitable marriage counselor, Jerry," Rick said, waltzing in through the door. "Am I still here?" he added, looking around nervously.

"Uh..." Jerry said, mouth agape.

Rick lifted his wrist to his face and peered into one of his three watches. "I think I just missed him."

"I'm confused..." Jerry said with a chin rub.

"Yeah what else is new," Rick said, turning his attention to the baby.

"You know what?" Jerry began, angrily wagging his finger at Rick.

"Feh," Rick said, dismissing Jerry and walking to the back door. He reached out into the darkness. "I already told you, you don't need to hide..."

"Who are you talking to?" Jerry asked.

"Uh, no one," a frail voice responded from outside.

Rick yanked an arm through the door and its body followed.

"Jesus Rick," Jerry sighed indignantly. "Whose kid is that?!"

"Oh, uh, I'm Z-z... Zim Zam, Rick's uh new assistant! Zimma Zamma," he responded, poorly concealing the truth while inventing a terrible catchphrase.

"You don't have to lie, Morty," Rick said.

"Ah, Rick," Morty replied, stamping his foot on the ground. "Wh-what if I get erased, you know? I don't wanna disappear or nothin'!"

"I told you, time travel doesn't w-eugh-work that way" Rick said, reaching into his coat. "You're not gonna erase yourself. I could, throw this little guy into the g-GAR-bage and you'd be fine." He pulled out a flask and took a sip. "You gotta stop watching movies. I mean period, you watch terrible movies."

Jerry tilted his head. "Did... did you just call that kid Morty?"

"Yes Jerry, this is your son from the future," Rick said whimsically, screwing the cap back on his flask and stuffing it back in his coat pocket. "And he was just bitching at me because apparently I was 'never there' when he was growing up." He used finger quotes.

"Grampa," baby Morty beamed, once again reaching out to Rick.

"First word," Rick said. He crossed his arms and pointed a satisfied grin in Morty's direction.

"Yeah well," Morty said, looking around nervously. "I don't like this, you win, can we just go home now?"

"Oh come on, might as well hang out for a bit," Rick said. He picked up the infant. "I mean... don't you want to at least hold yourself? Who else gets to hold their own baby self?"

Morty made a weird squealing noise. "No no, I'm okay," he said, slowly backing away.

"Aw c'mon," Rick said with a grin, bringing the baby closer to Morty.

"Ah, I think I'm gonna go sit down, okay?" Morty replied, sneaking away into the living room.

"Hm," Rick said. "In retrospect that was probably not the smartest thing to ask, huh Jerry?"

Jerry made a similar noise and ran out into living room.

"Good god, you too?" Rick asked, calmly following.

Upon seeing Morty, Jerry screamed again and scrambled up the stairs.

Morty hyperventilated on the couch, clutching a pillow.

"Morty, relax," Rick said, bringing the baby in from the kitchen.

Morty gasped again as Rick sat down in an adjacent chair.

"Morty!" Rick barked. "It's just a baby."

"It's me as a baby, Rick!" Morty said in a panicked voice. "I, I, I know you don't care about anything that's decent in the world but to me this feels so weird," he said, clutching the sides of his head. "Plus when you said 'I'll prove it to you' I didn't think that meant we were going back in time! I'm not ready for time travel, Rick!"

"Morty, would you calm down? There are worse things in the world than meeting yourself as a baby," Rick said, rocking baby Morty. "Here," he said.

Morty started twitching a bit as Rick handed him his baby self.

"Trust me," he added, letting the baby slip into Morty's arms.

Morty's breathing slowly relaxed as he looked at his infant self smiling.

"Huh, I... guess this is actually kind of cool," Morty said, letting the side of his lip curl up a bit.

"See? Nothing to be afraid of," Rick said. His tone was relaxed but a little triumphant. "And you don't have to worry about him shitting his pants either, Morty," Rick added, folding his arms behind his head. "If I remember correctly, I just changed his diaper." He shut his eyes. "Yup. Changed his diaper, argued with Jerry and then walked out the front door." His eyes popped back open moments later. "Which means..." his eyes scanned the room and found his flask sitting on the coffee table.

Through the window, Rick saw a green aura and heard a wet zapping sound.

"Alright don't get your hopes up, Jerry," a voice said from outside. The door opened. "I just... forgot... something..."

A slightly younger Rick stood in the doorway.

The two Rick's peered at each other as Morty watched in stunned silence.

Rick's face contorted into a slight worry and he cautiously handed Morty a tissue from the side table. "You got a little…" he added, pointing to his nose.

Morty wiped his nose and looked at the tissue. "Blood?" he shrieked.

"It's just a side effect of p-Eugh-paradoxes on your mind," the younger Rick said, walking through the front door and scanning older Rick with an obvious suspicion. "It's purely mental… seeing as this idiot probably f-Ergh-ot to explain to you that nothing you do here can effect your present."

"Rick, uhh I, I don't like this," Morty moaned, mopping up more of the nose-blood with another clean tissue.

"Morty, there are nearly infinite parallel universes existing at the same time with very slight variations," older Rick chimed in, "...which is why we never travel backwards in our own. That way, our timeline stays linear and we can't possibly fuck up our present."

"And of course, you'd never want to fuck up your own present," younger Rick continued, reaching into his coat, "but you have no problem fucking with my future." He pointed his phaser at older Rick, tilted ninety degrees to the left. "You're here to kill me, aren't you?"

"What? No!" Older Rick said, standing up indignantly.

"Last time I saw you two, you tried to kill me," younger Rick barked, intensifying his grip on the gun. "Said you were trying to… eliminate all the other copies, or something."

"That was clearly a different Rick and Morty," older Rick said.

"Obviously! That Morty wasn't a sniveling coward like this one," younger Rick said.

"Hey, screw you, man," Morty shouted, his voice altered by the napkin blocking his nostrils. "This is my first time doing this."

"I'm just being… careful," younger Rick continued.

"God damnit, just scan us you moron," Older Rick said. "You know me."

Younger Rick slowly pressed a button on the side of his phaser. It made a chiming noise and the screen lit up with a seven digit number. "Oh. Oooooh," younger Rick said, widening his eyes.

Older Rick raised one eyebrow. "Yeah… That one."

"Oh don't be gross," young Rick said, giving some slack to the gun he held in his limp wrist.

"You didn't think it was gross before," older Rick barked, stretching his neck out and straightening his arms behind him.

"Our grandson is right there you perv," younger Rick said, motioning to Morty. "Plus, you're all… old and gross now…"

"You're one to talk," older Rick growled.

"What are you… guys talking about?" Morty asked shyly.

"Honestly you don't wanna know," young Rick said, putting his gun away and slouching.

Morty's face grew horrified.

There was a torrential silence.

"Well," older Rick said, "...let's see you meet yourself in an alternate reality and NOT end up having sex with him! You probably have se-IGHerious self esteem issues if you don't. It's no different than what you do with your hand every night, Morty."

"It's a little different," younger Rick said.

"You don't get to play devil's advocate, ME," older Rick said with an accusatory finger.

"I'm not the one who-who-who... traveled to a different reality to seduce his drunken self right after he got divorced!" younger Rick replied, even angrier than his future self.

There was another, even quieter stillness as Morty stared straight ahead with dilated pupils. He lightly placed the baby to his right. "That's the most disgusting, vile thing I've ever heard!" he shouted, looking up and clutching his temples. "I, I, I mean you just… traveled to some other dimension and had… with yourself? You're… you're despicable! You're… no good, you're rotten, I don't even want to look at you!"

"You don't have to be redundant, Morty," older Rick said. "We get it, you're totally shocked. As usual."

"Yeah, and honestly," younger Rick continued, "I think you're over reacting a little bit. I mean… I'm just upset because we got a little emotionally involved, you know? We had some good times, andandand they really meant something to me." He paused, and a bit of sorrow trickled into his face. "I was vulnerable... and you just disappeared."

"Yeah well... I guess that was kind of a crappy thing to do," older Rick said. His tone was soft. "I'm sorry I left so suddenly."

"To be fair, I probably would have done the same," younger Rick grumbled, sitting down. "And hell, I probably wouldn't have been so driven to invent inter-dimensional travel if I didn't want to find you and break your nose."

"Are you serious?" Morty yelled. "You seriously expect me to sit here and act like this isn't the stupidest, most messed up conversation of all time?"

"You're just being… judgmental," older Rick said.

"That's really insensitive of you, Mo-OR-ty," younger Rick continued. "I mean we're having this emotional moment over here, and all you can do is be a judgerson."

Morty threw up his arms and walked away. "I'm gonna wait in the damn time machine. You win the stupid bet." He shivered, burdened with yet another unsettling truth about the universe.

Jerry appeared in the stairwell, eyes closed and chest out. "Alright, I get it, you're a real prankster," he said. "Now, kindly take whosever kid that is home and…" he opened his eyes and saw the two Ricks before him. His nose began to bleed and he turned back around, eyes dead and forehead wrinkled.

"What's with you and this kid, anyways?" younger Rick said, looking at the baby. "I mean… I'd say in the five-or-so occasions that I've bumped into you, about half of them you're with him."

"Really?" older Morty said. "Five?"

"Yeah I mean, a few years ago you showed up and had a nearly identical conversation with me," younger Rick continued. "You both looked older… he looked happier."

"Ah well I mean, I dunno," older Rick said, looking down. "He's… resourceful. Good to have around."

"Oh yeah?" younger Rick asked.

"Yup. He's a trooper. He's... easily shaken, but I mean, you know, he usually pulls it together," older Rick said with a half-grin. "You should, uh, get to know him some."

"Hm," younger Rick grunted, looking at the baby.

"Uhhhh I should go…" older Rick said. "He gets kind of crazy." He pointed over his shoulder with his thumb.

"Alright, well… always good talking to you," younger Rick said.

"Same," older Rick said. He tapped his foot a few times and cleared his throat. "One more thing," he asked. "You said you invented inter-dimensional travel so you could break my nose..."

"Yeah?" younger Rick said.

"Why didn't you?"

"Oh," the younger Rick laughed. "I totally did." He crossed his arms. "And you'll never see it coming."

"Oh c'mon, that's just cruel," older Rick complained.

"Hey, you get what you get, creep," younger Rick chuckled.

They shared a laugh, and then a lingering tension, as though one of them was meant to do something. They stood there, staring with the same confused longing hidden deep within their eyes.

Older Rick cleared his throat again. "I'll see you around," he said. He shook his own hand, turned around and calmly disappeared out the back.

Rick was left alone in the living room, save for the baby. He lifted him into his lap and turned on the TV, kicking his feet up on the coffee table. He heard little footsteps coming down the stairs behind him.

Summer appeared by the armrest of the couch and took off her headphones.

"You came back," she said, hopping up onto the seat next to him.

Rick grunted, and the baby grabbed a tuft of his hair.

He sat there, wondering if, of the five or so times he'd been visited, this would be the last. In truth, he never did cross over into the other Rick's reality. He'd been petrified at the thought of erasing what they'd shared; that it would be snatched from the wrinkles of time by his own undoing.

* * *

_Sup dawg_

_I hope you're enjoying this fic._

_Here are some of the chunes that helped me write this_

_Sampha - Indecision_

_David Lynch and Lykke Li - I'm Waiting Here_


End file.
